Handling Verbal Aggression

Living day to day can be stressful and it's even more so when we have to deal with somebody lashing out at us. We're just going about our day and wham, there comes that sharp knife-like comment or message. It's often times confusing and leaves us feeling awful. Why did this person do this and how do we respond to this distorted story about who we are and what we did?

The most important thing to remember is that this is not truly about us and it's not something we ever deserve (no, really!). People go into attack mode as an unconscious, reactive behavior to manage their own negative emotions. If somebody else can be the problem, then they won't have to face the emotions going on inside.

Attacking others offers a sense of power and righteousness that helps mask the underlying vulnerability that we all feel when emotions such as shame, fear and sadness come up. It's easy to see why the brain is quick to jump on aggression as a solution, especially for people that have few other options for navigating the emotional storm inside.

While we can understand and empathize with why a person may be lashing out at us, it does not mean we have to tolerate the behavior! It is not OK to use us as a punching bag and we are absolutely in the right to say something and set boundaries. Keep it short and simple - "I know you're upset but I won't let you talk to me like this" If they get defensive or dismiss your statement, that's your cue to exit the conversation.

Do not continue to justify, argue, defend or explain (JADE)- that will typically escalate the situation as the person is in no mood to face themselves. You can state your plans but you don't need to justify or get their permission - "I'm going to take a break from this" is perfectly acceptable, even if they don't buy it. Once they’ve cooled off, they can reflect on what happened and take accountability.

Now with somebody who is a chronic offender and doesn't seem to take accountability for their harmful behavior, your choice is between continuing to endure and adding further boundaries to limit contact. The counter-intuitive thing with boundaries is that they should not be seen as a way to convince the other person of their wrongdoing. Trying to get them to change just keeps you involved in the toxic dynamic.

Instead, setting boundaries is about committing yourself to a healthy response when you face their unhealthy behavior. When you feel your own power to bring peace and positivity into your life, it's much easier to stop trying to fix that other person. They are on their own path and bear the responsibility for the consequences of their behavior.

Now, go forth and enjoy yours!